Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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