May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
