the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
