Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
