I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
