Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
