I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
