3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
