I can text with my tongue
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
