how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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