after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
