Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
