i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
