I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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