i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
