i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
