I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize