I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
