my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
