Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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