I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
