ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
