I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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