Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
