PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
