I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
