Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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