dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
