is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
