I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
