Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize