Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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