Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
