so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You have to summon your inner elephant
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
