I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
how drunk are you?
Several
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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