When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
