He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
