I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
