i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
