I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Are we still banned from the library?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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