I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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