So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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