That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
