you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
