recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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