Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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