Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize