Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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