Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
