she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
