oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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