i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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