Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
