College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
