my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
