we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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