I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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